On Fiber

As a youngin’, I thought fiber was just that “thing” old people ate because they couldn’t do their business and I was not an old person who ate food in order to do my business.  That was just a nice surprise.  I only knew of fiber because a grandmother at one time ordered me to eat prunes in order to “cleans myself.”  I argued with her, stating that I take enough showers, thank you very much.

Like any self-respecting adolescent (HA), anything that remotely alluded to doing “my business” was off limits in discussion.  I avoided anything that I knew had fiber in it for years.  Instead, I just ate my weight in cheese.  Repeatedly.

Recently, however, I’ve been on a bit of a health food and exercise kick (with the exception of frequent burritos).  Now, this isn’t meant to change my life or fulfill me with newfound organic energy, blah blah blah.

I just want to look good without clothes on, okay?  Fine.  O-kay.

In all of these books whose covers have guys without their shirts on, I am told to up my fiber.  Much to my chagrin, I began eating prunes, which, thanks to a traumatizing episode of “Rugrats,” I have always avoided.  I don’t understand why people get all orgasmic over certain foods, because prunes are probably the least sexy and exotic of anything ever in the history of the world.

Mr. Vest can’t deal with something so unsexy, so I sought my fiber elsewhere.  Almonds are sexy because you can look menacing while eating one.  Say someone gives you lip and all you have to do is pop one in your mouth, crunch, and those scrubs will Let.  You.  Be.  I often used this technique with my former students.

“Mr. Vest I don’t want to do this work right now!”

“Oh?” CRUNCH.

“Ok, Mr. Vest, I’ll do it,”

“That’s what I thought.”  CRUNCH.

That second “crunch” was probably unneeded, but I wasmakingapointleavemealone.

Anygay, I’m upped my fiber and haven’t thought much of it.  You know how you just follow instructions without even realizing why you are doing it in the first place?  This was one of those cases.

Until I saw this commercial for some woman’s health bar that explained to me how fiber worked.  OH!  So you eat less but it fills you up more and then you get it out of your system!  Advertising rocks!  Fiber rocks!  Six-pack abs, here I come!

Now, I don’t feel embarrassed when I buy the cereal with extra fiber.  “Yes, cashier, I AM taking care of my body and I DO feel good.  Do you have a handsome son that is looking for love?”