Kids talk a lot

"Mr. Vest, do you have a crush on anyone? Like...a CRUSH? Like...you like her and she likes you and together you like each other? Well...do you? Come on, tell me. I promise I won't tell. Well, only my best friend and that's because we tell each other e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Like, our favorite TV shows. Our favorite brands of clothing. Stuff like that. So tell me...who do you have a crush on? Is it Ms. C? She has good taste in clothes. Do you have good taste in clothes? Sometimes you do but not today. Like what is with that tie? You wear it probably three times a week. Do you not get paid enough to buy ties? I could take one from my dad. He won't mind. He has, like, 100. We're not rich or anything, but he is always buying hisself some ties. If I could have 100 of anything it would be 100 of me. That way, everyone would be happy because I'm so unique. So, back to my important question, ahem...who do you have a crush on? It can't be Ms. X. She's loud and boisterous. Ha..."boisterous." You taught us that word. Am I boisterous? I can be sometimes. Like now...Like...Mr. Vest are you yawning? Are you tired? Do you not get enough sleep last night? I didn't either. I love me some late night TV. Do you watch Conan? He has funny hair. It sticks up like yours. Except his is more interesting because it's red. I'm not saying your hair isn't interesting, but it leaves something to be desired. Do you have a crush on Ms. Z? She could be a good fit for you. She's smart and pretty. That would do you some good, having a nice and pretty woman to come home to every night. Is that it? Is it Ms. Z? Wait...I take it back, Ms. Z is too good for you. You need someone less pretty. Like that girl on that show. You know the one I'm talking about. She's on that show. Mr. Vest, are you listening to me?

Am I in trouble?"

Student Quote #7

Student #1: "Mr. Vest, you always come in with Dunkin Donuts coffee. Why do you never get doughnuts?"
Mr. Vest: "Because I don't like doughnuts."
Student #1: "How can you not like doughnuts?!"
Student #2: "Because he wants muscles. Clearly."

Student Quote #6

Student: "Mr. Vest, is there a proper way to refer to Bob as having man-titties?"
Mr. Vest: "I really don't know how to respond to that."

*Obviously, the student's name has been changed. No one should be known for having man-titties.

Sick in the City

Being sick sucks, but if you are a teacher it double sucks. Most jobs, you are able to call in sick and not really worry about much responsibility. Not so with this gig. You have to prepare lesson plans, contend with the fact that your students will treat a substitute with some semblance of disrespect and, above all, worry about whether or not your classroom will be in shambles when you get back.

But you just have to take a day once in a while. For me, that was yesterday. I arrived at school with a 101 degree fever, feeling weak in the knees (not in a good, Anderson Cooper way), and wanting to lay my head down and weep. Why did I even bother getting up and hauling ass to school? Because I didn't want to have to deal with putting sub plans together, that's why! They are a pain in my coccyx. A pain, I say.

You know it's going to be senseless work and you know you are never really going to look at it. Yet, you have to put some middling effort into putting them together. After being at school for ten minutes, though, it was clear I wasn't going to make it.

Perhaps it was the fact that I fell asleep lurched over the copier, but I don't know...

I packed my bag, hopped on the train and made my way back home. The world is so different during the day if you aren't working. For one thing, it appears that no one in New York City actually works. People are everywhere. I mean, all of these people can't possibly blog for a living, can they?

I drifted in and out of consciousness throughout the day, and each time I came to, I would like to myself, "If I was teaching, I would be doing A or B right now." It's kind of sweet to realize you aren't doing either of those things. Instead, you are lying on the couch you rarely lie on because you are so busy and watching season six of "The Simpsons." Does life get any sweeter? Only if I had been well enough to scarf down some mozzarella sticks. Mmmm...mozzarella sticks.

Student Quote #5

After teaching my students the fight song of my alma mater....

Student: "Mr. Vest, that is sooooooo 80s."
Mr. Vest: "How would you know? You were born in 2000."
Student: (beat) "I watch a lot of VH1."
Mr. Vest: "Touche."
Student: "Two what? What does that mean? Is it something negative?"
Mr. Vest: "No, no, no. It is not negative."
Student: "Well, I don't like the sound of that word. It makes me uncomfortable."

Random thought

Just once, I would like to say something mildly offensive yet debonair to someone and have them slap me across the face and say, "Fresh."

Any takers?

"Lemonade"

HAPPY HOUR. Hallowed words.

Except you can't just say to your fellow teachers, "Let's get wasted after school on Friday." That would be considered uncouth. Uncouth, I say! (Use of uncouth count including just now: 3). Instead, we have to use code words or simple hand gestures. This is most fun when children are around you.

"How do you feel about getting some lemonade after school?" With "lemonade" being said slyly, as if you are the funniest person on the planet for giving it a double meaning. Tomato juice and iced tea work fine as well (Especially ice tea. From Long Island).

The children give us teachers blank stares as we discuss our love of lemonade. One time, however, I decided to get them involved. As I was leaving school one day, I was chatting with a fellow teacher who was taking a group of children outside for dismissal. We were discussing evening plans:

Mr. Vest: "Hey kids! Raise your hand if you LOVE lemonade!"

Cue every child raising their hand.

Mr. Vest: "We all love lemonade. Especially when in comes in many flavors!"

Children: "YEAH!"

Yeah, I'm going to hell. At least it will be refreshing.

Uncouth (count: 4).

When All the World's Asleep, Bro

Look, there are days when waking up at 5am just isn't appealing. Those days are usually Monday-Friday. Now, if getting up at 5am involved consoling Jake Gyllenhaal over his recent break up with whatsherface, then I'm game. Unfortunately, the gods have not aligned the moons yet for that so....come on, Aphrodite!

When my buzzer goes off, my first instinct is to say, "Shit." But reality kicks in and I drag my tired ass out of the bed, weep just a little, and prepare myself for the day. When I leave my apartment and take in the sights and sounds of Park Slope at this hour, I am prone to talking to myself.

I usually talk to myself on the streets, but when no one is around you can really have a a heart to heart with yourself. No one is around to judge you, or think you are crazy. Frankly, the only people I encounter on my trip to the subway are those hitting up the gym and let's be frank here- they are the crazy ones. The gym? At 5 in the morning? A) There is no good television to watch on the treadmill except infomercials for Shamwow and B) The eye candy doesn't usually arrive until after work hours. What's the point?

Back to the personal conversations- they tend to center on what I'm going to teach that day, or framing a potentially difficult conversation I will have with a parent (and there have been pah-lenty of those recently). Currently, I'm just trying to get my mind off how freakin' cold it is.

My favorite stop on my journey is to the local Dunkin'. I'm not a giant fan of their coffee or their breakfast sandwiches, but the appeal of this Dunkin' is an employee that I'll call Alejandro (mainly because that kick-ass Gaga song of the same name is running in my head on loop). Alejandro is my bro and you know I'm serious because I am so not the type to even use the word "bro." But, Alejandro is my bro and we greet each other with that and for these two minutes of the day I feel really masculine. Like I could bench 300lbs and punch through a wall or something. Isn't that what masculine dudes do?

Perhaps it's just the overall use of the word "bro," or the fact that for some reason he feels that I am the type to be called that but it feels good. Our exchanges consist of this:

Alejandro: Hey bro, what'll you have today?
Mr. Vest: Same, bro. You know the drill.

I make sure to cock my head in a way that I am totally owning that sentence when it comes out of my mouth. Isn't that so manly?! God, I just want a carton of Muscle Milk so hard right now. (But the low fat kind, please. Boy's got to watch his figure).

He gives me my medium Hazelnut coffee and a sausage, egg and cheese bagel and I'm off to educate our nation's youth. Feel strong, feeling empowered, feeling so bro-ish.

So, when most of my time zone is sleeping and dreaming, I'm traipsing around the Slope feeling as manly as any man could. And talking to myself. I'm also counting down the seconds until the weekend, but who doesn't?

It should also be noted that Alejandro must be around 70 years old.

Woops!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_kx3byv8ow&feature=player_embedded#

This is why you should think twice about joining a high school stage production....

Student quote #4

Student: "I want to go to Spain with you!"
Mr. Vest: "No, you don't."
Student: "Yes I do!"
Mr. Vest: "You don't want to hang out with an old fart like me."
Student: (stunned silence) "You fart a lot?"

Farting.

I work at a school with limited opportunities to use the facilities. I have to go hours before being able to "go." And sometimes you need to go.

Occasionally, sometimes you have to let it rip. We all do it and this is where teaching comes in handy. I'm very strategic about passing gas in the classroom, so allow me to share what works.

Here are options:
1) Pretend that you have to make a parent phone call and walk into the hallway. As you dial the fake number (like, 867-5309) away from your students' earshot, let it go. Allow it to waft away for a bit and walk back into the classroom, claiming that you "left a message."

2) Wait for the whole class to be all together. This can be achieved on a carpet for a read-aloud lesson or waiting in line to go to another class or lunch. Fart. Either the children will not notice or they will think the weird kid did it. Either way, you are scott free.

3) If your fart makes a noise, blame any kid around you. Say things like, "That is disgusting," or, "My goodness! Go to the restroom." Given the option to leave the classroom, the kid will not put up a fight.

Trust me. These all work.

Student quote #3 (courtesy of R)

R: “Oprah…huh…did Oprah start the opera?”
Mr. Vest: “No….”
R: “Then what show did she start?”
Mr. Vest: “’The Oprah Winfrey Show’”
R: “I’ve never heard of it."

Aloha 2009. Aloha 2010.

Tomorrow, I return to the classroom. A summary of the highlights of this vacay:

1) While waiting for the plane to ACTIONville to takeoff, the gentleman next to me turned and said, "Damn. I was really hoping you'd be a hot chick." Tell me about it, son.

I decided to be cheeky and remark with, "Well, I was hoping you'd be a hot guy!"

CRICKETS. His jaw dropped. No, really- it did. Several seconds pass by in deliciously uncomfortable silence (my fav) and I say, "Did I just make you uncomfortable?"

He opens his PLAYBOY (!) magazine and doesn't talk to me for the remainder of the trip. His loss, because I'm kind of good seat partner.

Was he insulted that I didn't find him hot? Or that he had to sit next to me as I wept over "Marley and Me?" Or that I chew my ice too loudly?

The world may never know.

2) Completing a 5K with the Sistah in 21:59! And in the process running into an older man and snapping, "Excuuuuuuuseeee meee!" and then running back to the car because he was more muscular than me and I thought he'd pinch me or something.

3) Going out a date with Anderson Cooper.

4) Having to listen to my younger cousins (who I babysat ages ago) talk about their college trysts and having them tell me I'm no fun for not thinking that drawing a giant penis on a picture of me is funny.

5) Lying about going on a date with Anderson Cooper.

All in all- good break from the classroom. Tomorrow, the children will have a bleary-eyed Mr. Vest to contend with but I say bring on 2010!

Not just a new year. It's a new decade, homeslices.

I'm thinking of getting that printed on t-shirts. Submit your order in the comments below.