Student quote #12

Student: "Mr. Vest, you say you are German, but you don't look it. Except for the hairy arms."
Mr. Vest: "Oh? If I'm not German, than what am I?"
Student: "Well, not someone from Germany. You look more like someone from Lumberjack."
Mr. Vest: "'Lumberjack?' Why?"
Student: "Because of the beard."
Mr. Vest: "And not my big muscles?"
Student: (long pause) "Mr. Vest, you don't have big muscles."
Mr. Vest: "Yes. I. Do."
Student: "Okay, maybe. You could cut down a tree. You look like you could carry an ax."
Mr. Vest: "I'll take that."

Student quote #11

A student is given the chance to lead the class in a discussion. He chooses, "What is the best thing about living in New York City?"

After a while, he asks, "What is your favorite New York restaurant?"

Sidenote: This kid is fashionable. He wears Dolce & Gabana scarves and knitted hats (and they are legit, son). I'm thinking he knows a thing or two about the hip places to eat in NYC. He must read "Time Out New York: Highlights style."

Then I remember that he's 9 years old.

Mr. Vest: "What kinds of restaurants were you thinking of?" (this was after I dismissed Dallas BBQ and Olive Garden from the children's choices).
Fashionable student: "Applebees. Clearly. Have you had their mozzarella sticks? Divine."

Did I make you this way?

When I met my batch of students this year back in September, I must admit that a part of me was disappointed. The previous school year, I had a group of students that were incredibly funny, entertaining and- above all- weird. I had kids that talked to themselves, a few that had the mannerisms of members of the Red Hat Society, and some homos-in-training.

So, much to my chagrin, this year's class did not seem to cut it upon our meeting. I found them meek, too quiet, and a bit baby-ish.

How things have changed.

I don't think I have ever had to deal with such an awkward group of people in my life. This is coming from someone who did gymnastics as a kid. AND band. AND went to puppet camp.

(Note to self and readers: Blog about puppet camp in the near future.)

My kids are totally nuts. Yet, it took some time for this to come out and- as many coworkers have commented- it appears to be my fault. I don't necessarily run a rigid classroom. I'm strict, but not in a totally authoritarian sense. Sprinkle in some sass, sarcasm, energy and (yes) flamboyancy, and there you have it- Mr. Vest. I am told that I make my kids weird. Bring that shit on, bro.

I mean, how many teachers have their students asking them if they made out with anyone the previous weekend (previous post)? Or are proposed marriage to? How many have their students begging them to stop everything and vogue in the middle of a lesson about perpendicular and parallel lines? You KNOW I let them.

Letting them be their awkward and kiddish selves makes my job fun. If not, there would be no sense in getting up in the morning (except to stalk the streets of Chelsea in search of my boyfriend, Andy Coopy).

I look forward to seeing their further evolution into weird kids. That was my persona in school and I turned out okay.

RIGHT?!

Student Quote #10

During "Ask Mr. Vest anything you want" Time:

Student #1: "Mr. Vest, what did you do this weekend?"
Mr. Vest: "I had a lovely weekend. Saw a movie, had dinner with friends, ran a bit, then I-"
Student #2: "Did you make out with someone?"
Mr. Vest: "Excuse me?"
Student #2: "Did you make out with someone? I'm serious. You look like you would do that on weekends."

Student Quote #9

Sassy McSassterstein: "Why don't they call is gourmade. I mean, it's food that is 'made,' isn't it? The French are like, 'You have to say gourmet.' I am like to the French, "Get over yourselves.'"

Let's talk about "us," shall we?

I think I've let my boyfriend Alejandro down. You remember Alejandro, right? The 70 year old Dunkin Donuts barista who calls me "bro" and makes me feel manly?

Now, I usually go every day, but yesterday I just wanted to grab an apple at a local bagel store and head to the train. Five sausage, egg and cheese bagel sandwiches a week can be taxing on my gut. "Project: Six Pack by Summer" is in full effect, so I needed a bit of a break from the DD deliciousness.

I went there today, however, and Alejandro seemed a little...perturbed.

Alejandro: "Take a day off yesterday, bro?"
Mr. Vest: "Oh no, no."
Alejandro: "Did you go somewhere else?"

I choked. I did go somewhere else. I was so guilty. But, I just couldn't lie to Alejandro. I mean, here was someone that considered me masculine enough to refer to me as "bro" and I betrayed him by patronizing another establishment. I was so wrong.

So, I lied.

Mr. Vest: "No! I was running late so I had to head straight to the train. You know how it is."

But does he? Does he know how it is? He nodded and smiled, but I am convinced he saw straight through me. Alejandro sees all. I felt dirty....and not in a sexy way.

I was so flummoxed (snaps for a good word choice) that I paid and left with a quick, "Have a great weekend!" I got to the train station and remembered I forgot my coffee. Putting on my best Charlie Brown walk, I went back to DD where Alejandro and son (At least I think it's his son? Let's call him Baxter) laughed and laughed at me leaving my coffee. But not in a mocking way. More of a "You so crazy" congenial laughing.

And I lied to them. Karma will kick me in the ass for this one. How would he truly feel if I went somewhere else? Would he be upset? Angry? Would he stop calling me "bro?"

In cases like these, lying is necessary.

Student Quote #8

Student: "Do you know that it's easy to milk a gerbil?"